senioritis???

I kind of feel.

Just feel.

Not overwhelmed. Not numb. Just a constant hum in my chest. It's as if my body knows something's shifting before my mind catches up.

I'm happy, I think. Or maybe relieved. At least relieved, that's for sure. College apps are done. No more essays, no more deadlines, no more ambiguity – it's all out in the open: who's going where, who's still deciding. It's strange how quickly it all flattens out once everybody's done.

I have time again. To lie on the floor with my dogs and listen to music. To read something not assigned. To wake up in the morning without checking my emails. And I like that. I like not always being in a rush. Makes me feel in control.

But even in the stillness, there's something buzzing under the surface. I'm unsettled. Like the stress that held everything together is gone, and now I don't know what to do with all the pieces. I'm floating a little. I laugh more, a lot more, but I think more too.

The future is coming, and it's not theoretical anymore. Everyone says we're growing up, but I wonder if it always feels like this, no matter how old you get. Like you're on the edge of something, and you're not sure if you're ready or if anyone ever is.

I see glimpses of what's next – in the ways kids excitedly talk about rushing frats and sororities, in the ways teachers tell stories about what culinary monstrosities they concocted in their own dorms.

It's all exciting. It's all good. But it's also terrifying – well, maybe not scary but just vast. Like standing at the edge of an ocean you've never swum in. Everybody says the water's fine, and they're probably right. But you won't know if they're right unless you fully commit yourself, which is always a bit nerve-wracking.

It's weird – how ready and unready I am at the same time. High school has been preparing me for this moment for four years, but now that it's here, I'm second-guessing the math. Was I supposed to grow more? Feel more sure? Know exactly who I am and what I want?

I don't.

But I'm going anyway.

Because maybe that's what it's all about. Nothing's clear. It's all just a slow accumulation of choices you make without being totally sure. Maybe you never feel truly ready. Maybe you're not supposed to.

So, yes. I kind of feel.

Just feel.

And I don't have the words for all of it. But that's okay. Maybe this is one of those moments where feeling is the whole point.